Life

Eat My Dead Unicorn

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing

I hate weddings. In my adult life, I’ve been damned to attend a whopping total of four matrimonial ceremonies, and it remains my staunch belief that the things were invented to satisfy Athena’s secret penchant for free almond pastilles and Kali’s voracious thirst for the tears of sniffling women in shoulder pads.

Imagine my shock when I learned that accepting a proposal not only means you get married, but also that you have to be in a wedding. And plan one. Help me. (more…)

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Megalomaniac on the Dunes

Written by Life

Posted from: Charleston, South Carolina

South Carolina, staring off toward Europe: The last time I went to the beach, it was in California with a boy so delicate he balked at the sandcrabs.

I’m by myself here now. I follwed the map Page lent me to a boardwalk (see: walk made of boards) that rolled over baby dunes, and swallowed on both sides, but not ceilinged, with a plant I couldn’t name. It went up over sand and and down over still puddles of salt water risen out of the ground. And then it opened, and I knew the sky had never been so wide. (more…)

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Sycophancy for the 2008 Olympics

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing

In a move that thrilled kiss-ass enthusiasts the world over, the Chinese Olympic Preparation committee issued a statement yesterday officially recognizing brown-nosing as an Olympic sport. The decision effectively ended the long-debated question of whether or not anyone except “bum-sniffers” can, in fact, do that. (more…)

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Gorilla Dwarves

Written by Life

Through Kyle I just discovered a song that makes me want to kill myself by jumping off a building. Or be a vampire. This is not remarkable because I might consider suicide or blood-sucking, but rather that I would consider the 4-second-bird route rather than a nice all-American 9 millimeter. It’s by Drome (which I somehow can’t find online – shame on you, internet!), and the track is called What I Got You Got. Or, um, Want What You Got That I Got. Or I Got What You Got. Or something. Soundtrack your rooftop today. (more…)

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Blowing Fuses

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing, China

Just because I, in pasta-sauce-stained sweatpants, blew all the fuses in a three-block radius with a pair of scissors and an air con cable does not goddamn mean that the incident deserves a mention in Russel’s blog. I was entirely unable to resist the urge to write a Reply All email to his entire list of friends and family, an excerpt from which goes: (more…)

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I’m Rubber, You’re, uh, Copper Wiring

Written by Life

Talking to him is like talking to myself, by which I mean it’s the most natural thing in the world. He’s like a sentient, awesome-mouthed diary that I never actually wrote. So either the dawn has just risen on the fact that I’ve been talking to myself since birth, or I have the hugest crush since the emergence of the trash compactor.

Being insane would be so much more convenient. (more…)

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Captain Kendrastic Fucking sunk your Bastard Minesweeper

Written by Life

Beijing, China

Happy birthday to me. Okay, so it was a couple days ago, but if you look at the amount of candy wrappers and discarded chocolatey items strewn all over the house, you would assume I’m still celebrating. You’d be right.

In fit of nostalgia turned curiosity turned morbid curiosity, I started pawing through the Sent Folder of my email box. I don’t actually know why, because reading what I’ve written in the past usually leaves me wondering how many times a week I’m possessed, and what the Demon of Convolution wants with my mortal shell. (more…)

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Summary Destruction

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing

I don’t really understand what’s happening.

Russel pointed out once – and yeah, ok, this has probably been widely circulated in some chain email and has lost all its novelty to everyone else but me – but Russel pointed out that Keanu Reeves has exactly two facial expressions: confused and determined. In which case my hair just got shorter, my eyes got beadier, and my chin just got more feminine, ‘cause it’s been one or the other all day. (more…)

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Remembering and Not Forgetting

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing

Everything is strange. I have been wondering if the fact that I don’t like reading mothers’ blogs makes me less of a feminist.

I tried to call you a couple times. I presume you’re not using that phone number anymore. We’re both notoriously and matter-of-factly hard to reach, do you know that?

I found myself tonight down at some bar alone, looking for someone I barely know, not even sure I was in the right place. He said something about “Brown’s”, which conveniently doesn’t exist. I tried the next worst thing. (more…)

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Happy Lunar New Year

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing

“So then you just pull this card, which allows you to draw your dual-lands back from the graveyard, one-two-three, and BLAM, you tap all your creatures and swing for…”

Russel’s explanation of his new Magic: The Gathering strategy is drowned out by a series of explosions outside. He talks through them, and I miss the part about the Five-Mana-for-a-5/5-creature. (more…)

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