Crackdown Smackdown: Snow White and the Three-Have-Nots

Written by Life

Posted from: Beijing

Teh Facebookz blew up a few days ago with the news that the Beijing PSB, in response to a viral video of a British man sexually assaulting a Chinese woman, is cracking down on foreigners illegally living or working in China. Non-Chinese and locals alike are urged to report on any laowai who violate the “Three Have Nots” – in other words, those who have no visa, no work permit or no residence permit.

Thanks a lot, gross British guy. Now Chinese women can only be raped by foreigners with tidy paperwork.

Luckily, I’m a Three-Haves girl myself, but I can’t help feeling like I escaped by the hair of my chinny chin chin. The Three Have Nots might just as well have included “regular showers”, “rhythm” or (particularly problematic) “satisfaction”, which I not only don’t have but can’t get.

Truth is, I’m not sure what everyone’s wringing their hands about. Maybe the problem is the word “crackdown”, which seems to call up images of riot squads laying waste to ranks upon ranks of peacefully protesting kittens, but anyone who’s been around long enough should know that in these parts, crackdowns are something we enjoy between elvensies and afternoon tennis. Case(s) in point, since April 2012, we’ve already cracked down on:

– The internet
– Websites spreading coup rumors
Cheating on examinations
The mafia
– Large dogs
Terrorism in Xinjiang
And my personal favorite:
Pill capsules made from industrial waste

So it seems that crackdowns are in the air this spring. Meh.

Also in the air this spring: spring. Oodles of saccharine post-winter cuteness. My apartment complex is awash in mounting tides of scrubbed toddlers in pigtails and superhero shoes. The staff of the xiaomaibu bought a bunny rabbit that nibbles carrots on the dirt patch outside the store. And last week I watched a jaunty golden retriever on its way back from the supermarket with a package of French bread in its mouth. I had to sit down for a sec after that one, because the only thing that can follow a dog toting groceries is a fat chef popping out of a window singing, and when that didn’t happen, I needed a moment to tell Demeter to stop being such an obnoxious over-achiever.

Considering the whole season may not pipe down for another couple of weeks, I’ll soon be heading off for a long weekend in Shanghai, where I hear summer is in full oppressive swing.

Now if you’ll please excuse me, I have a 2pm crackdown that I simply can’t miss.